After World War II ended, the British, Americans, and Russians decided to divide the German city of Berlin into pieces because they thought this would be a fair way to preserve the post-war peace. Then the Cold War started and everyone spent the next forty years waiting for armed conflict to break out in Berlin.
Why the history lesson? Well, now that you’re married, the holiday calendar will start to look a lot like Berlin. You’ll divide each holiday into pieces and then spend the next forty years waiting for your families to go to war with each other over who gets to be with you on Flag Day.
Here’s a rundown of the major holidays that your parents will fight over and tips to manage each one. Let’s go through the year chronologically:
New Year’s Day
When you announce that you want to spend New Year’s Eve with your spouse, maybe alone at a romantic restaurant, your parents will remind you that for years you always spent New Year’s with them. You should remind them that for years you sucked your thumb and had an unhealthy attachment to a quilted blanket. Progress is good!
Martin Luther King Day
When your parents ask if you want to go ice fishing with them that weekend, stage a peaceful protest march.
President’s Weekend
You will wind up visiting whichever set of parents lives in a city that’s having a blizzard that weekend. Best solution: pack warm clothes and entertain each other by wagering on how long your flight home will be delayed due to weather.
St. Patrick’s Day
St. Patrick’s Day is to be spent drunk with whichever family is more Irish. Just be sure that the spouse from the less-Irish family has been warned about what they’re in for.
Easter
Even though you’re in your thirties, your parents will insist on having a candy and egg hunt around the house. Aren’t you looking forward to finding chocolate eggs that have been hidden for twenty years (and are now covered in larvae)? Don’t eat anything you find.
Memorial Day
Even though you have flown, driven, or biked in specially to spend time with your family this weekend, your parents spend the whole time on the Internet trying to figure out the difference between Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day. Thus, Memorial Day weekend becomes a great opportunity to catch up on sleep, reading, and snacking. It’s your favorite trip home all year!
4th of July
Whichever parents you don’t visit this weekend will challenge your patriotism. Send them red, white, and blue socks as a consolation present.
August
No holidays this month! God bless you, August! WARNING: This is the most popular month for family vacations, though, so don’t let down your guard too much. See Chapter 12 for a primer on surviving the family vacation.
Labor Day
On President’s weekend you visited your relatives in Chicago during a blizzard. On Labor Day, you must now visit your relatives in North Carolina during a Tropical Storm. Whoever lost the plane-delay bet back in February now has a chance at redemption.
NOTE: Only allowable topic of conversation during Labor Day weekend is talking about how quickly the summer went by. Don’t try to resist. Just bring some note cards with talking points on this subject, such as:
- “It feels like Memorial Day was just last week!”
- “I can already feel a chill in the air!”
- “We need to move to Florida, right?”
- “Let’s pray for an Indian summer!”
And, the one line that someone ALWAYS says, even though it stopped being funny (and started becoming terrifying) thirty years ago:
- “Where’s that Global Warming I keep hearing so much about?”
Halloween
Whichever parents you didn’t visit on Easter should get to spend Halloween with you, under the logic that both holidays involve candy. Keep chocolate in your mouth at all times if you want to avoid conversation (although if you get a stomach ache, be prepared for a round of “I told you so!”).
Veteran’s Day
Veterans Day should be spent with whichever family you didn’t see on Memorial Day. They spend the whole day on the Internet trying to figure out the difference between Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day (see Memorial Day for why this is wonderful).
Thanksgiving
This is a holiday where Americans take time out from their busy lives to appreciate how much they have to be thankful for. Or, in your parents’ case, to let you know that they’d be more thankful if you were spending Thanksgiving with them and not that “other family.” Solution: remind everyone that fighting goes against the spirit of the holiday. And when that doesn’t work, schedule a second turkey dinner for Friday night.
Christmas
The year ends with the biggest battle of them all! Whether or not either of your families is even Christian is completely irrelevant. The bride’s family could be Buddhist and the groom’s family could be Jewish and, amazingly, both sides will want you to come sing “Oh, Holy Night!” with them on December 25th. Since no one will believe you’re an atheist (“What does that have to do with Christmas?!”), the best thing you can do is dust off the red sweaters and make a beeline for the eggnog.
These major holidays are merely the tip of the iceberg. There will also be minor holidays – most of which neither of you have ever heard of before – that will become battle grounds:
Thomas Jefferson’s Birthday
Because the husband’s parents didn’t get to see you over President’s Day weekend, they have made up this new holiday and demand that you come to the lake house with them. When the bride’s family gets wind of this, they spring into action and announce that they’ll also be observing this holiday, complete with a staged reading of the Declaration of Independence. Silver lining: you’ll brush up on your social studies.
Your Parents’ 34th Wedding Anniversary
Next year, for their 35th anniversary, your parents are planning a big party – fun! This year, they are planning...absolutely nothing. But you still have to go. At least you and your siblings can bond over your parents’ craziness.
Uruguayan Independence Day
No one in either of your families is Uruguayan. In fact, none of you are even sure if Uruguay is independent. But you’ll be waving flags and singing the Uruguayan National Anthem nonetheless. The good news: you’ll be inspired to take a vacation to South America (just as soon as you have a weekend where you’re not visiting your parents).
Leap Year
Four years ago, you went home to visit your parents at the end of February because you had just gotten out of a horrible relationship, and needed to sulk. Now, in your parents’ mind, it’s a tradition! Oh well...maybe they’ll make you hot chocolate and tell you you’re special.
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