Excerpt from There's a Spouse in My House: Chapter 2: So These Hand Towels are Merely Decorative and Never to Be Used, Right? Adjusting to Cohabitation

Chapter 2: So These Hand Towels are Merely Decorative and Never to Be Used, Right? Adjusting to Cohabitation

Chapter 6: Have We Decided Where We’ll Be Having Thanksgiving in 2047? Divvying Up the Holidays Among Your Family

Chapter 13: Are You Free to Have Drinks With This Friend of Mine Who I Don’t Particularly Like (And His Really Annoying Wife)? The Surprisingly Difficult Task of Merging Your Social Schedules

Excerpted from Chapter 2: So These Hand Towels are Merely Decorative and Never to Be Used, Right? Adjusting to Cohabitation

These days, most couples have lived together – at least for a few months – before they get married. Not only is it more socially acceptable for an unmarried man and woman to cohabitate, but it also allows both of you to work out any kinks in the relationship while saving some money. And with that extra cash you can do some useful things like paying off your student loans (bor-ring) or buying a needless electronic device that’s completely obsolete seven days after you get it.

But even if you have lived together for years, cohabitation will have some subtle changes after the wedding. Before the wedding the two of you were busy basking in the excitement of it all and returning non-registry wedding gifts. (“Matching pogo sticks? What an interesting choice, Aunt Sarah!”)

Now, after the wedding, it’s time for the two of you to really settle in as roommates. Naturally, there are a plethora of perks that go with this momentous event in your life:

Cohabitation Perks for the Wife	Cohabitation Perks for the Husband
You get to live with the man you love.	You get to live with the woman you love...and see her naked on a semi-regular basis.
You have the added security that comes from living with a big, strong man.	You get to live in this fantasy world where your wife actually thinks you’re a big, strong man...that is, until a burglar shows up and you run and hide.
Can’t reach the top shelf? Your husband can!	Looks like you can hide your porn on the top shelf and your wife will never know.
If you can’t make up your mind on a decorating decision, your husband can chime in and break your mental deadlock. And if you can make up your mind, he’ll stay out of your way and let you do your thing.	For the first time since you were living with your parents, you have window treatments, high thread count sheets, and furniture that actually looks nice. All of which pales in comparison to the occasional nakedness of your wife around the house.

There will, naturally, be some growing pains that come with the cohabitation situation. Annoying personal habits, in particular, will have to be addressed now that you’ll be living together forever. At one point in time, before you were married, these personal habits seemed as cute as a baby bear; now they seem as scary as an adult bear that wants to eat you. And it’s often difficult to find the right moment to discuss these problems because one of you thinks, “I’m sure Ted will figure out that I hate it when he burps in bed” while the other one thinks, “How psyched is Liz that she’s married to the burping champion?”

One solution might be to write down three things you’d like the other person to do to keep the household running smoothly. Once you’re done, you swap lists. That conversation will go something like this:

Wife: Okay, the toilet paper thing is a big problem for me. If you use up a roll, it would be great if you could put a new roll in the bathroom.

Husband: I totally understand. I’ll make a big effort to fix that.

Wife: Thanks. And, ideally, put the toilet paper onto the holder. Please don’t just leave it on top of the toilet, because I always knock it over and it rolls all over the floor.

Husband: Okay, that’s two things from your list. Can I give you one from mine?

Wife: That’s only one thing in my list.

Husband: No, it’s two. Replace the roll and put it onto the holder.

Wife: That all falls under the toilet paper topic.

Husband: Well, then, for one of my requests, I’d like to be able to ignore your request about putting the toilet paper in the holder.

Wife: You can’t use your list to cancel out my list!

Husband: Yes I can, because that’s the second request on my list – I want to be able to use my list to cancel out your list.

After a few hours of this theater of the absurd, you reach a compromise: the husband will put the toilet paper on the holder, and, in exchange, the wife will stop staring at him with her death-ray vision.